[There is of course much that cannot be conveyed through text. But even so, he can at least sense that despite what she says, she sees this Dohalim more than just a simple "acquaintance" or "ally." Friend? Maybe, maybe not. But probably closer to it than she may admit.]
Given how often he came to your house, I suspect he must feel similarly.
I had questioned whether I should have approached him, but as it is it seems there was no need for concern.
He thinks many good things about me, despite my attempts to ward him from doing any such thing. Your suspicions are likely accurate.
[Even just this discussion, this cryptic and vague exchange, Beatrix realises that her feelings regarding Dohalim are incredibly complicated. And she doesn't like that. It would be easier to say that she appreciates him for who he is and leave it at that. She'll say that as often as she has to, but she imagines anyone who knows her will understand it might not be that trivial or mere as she treats it.]
On the contrary, it might have been better to remind him to keep his presence to his space and not to mine. It would be improper for him for visit me in such a way. What is done is done, however. I would prefer to act as if it never happened at all. I am awake now. There is no reason for such things to have repetition.
I hardly know what you mean by that. If he only showed when I was asleep, then he has no reason to continue doing so. If he should, I will simply request that he not.
[She assumes that's what he's getting at. With the two of them, they sometimes go in such roundabout circles, that it can be difficult to determine what they're really getting at.]
Just because you're awake doesn't mean he has to stop visiting. Of course if you do not even want any social meetings at all than that's a different matter.
I am not averse to meeting him in other places. My residence is mine. My space. My solitude. My sanctuary, if one wishes to call it that. It is a place to reveals much of me, purely through my sheer thought and how this world works. It is not unfounded that I feel a sense of discomfort in others coming to learn about me through my space, through my items.
I have kept people at a distance for a reason. I am not interested in sharing myself in any capacity other than what is required of me.
[He only lets out a small sigh upon reading her words.]
For the record I don't mind. However I could tell you were getting emotional and thought it better to stop so you did not tell me more than you normally would.
[Because that is completely convincing. Even she isn't buying it and that's saying something. If anything, she's annoyed. Because emotions and Beatrix don't belong in the same sentence, unless she's expressing some kind of disdain, dislike, frustration with something else.
This whole business about not knowing how she feels, or wanting very, very much to keep something from happening that should not, under any circumstances happen, it's disrupting her. And she's not realised just how deeply it has been until perhaps these moments. Or she has and she's simply ignored it all.]
No. We both know better. I will not disrespect you with a blatant falsehood.
I confess that the subject matter is complicated. I am not accustomed to others expressing concern for me. I am not accustomed to others wanting to be close to me. It makes me uncomfortable.
[She decides she can get away with saying that. It's honest. Telling, in many ways, but not in a way to Eustace that she feels as if she's in danger. That he might use it against her. If anything, maybe he's the only one who might understand why she feels that way. And maybe, he won't judge her for it either.]
She sees those words and it's almost enough to send her into an entirely different area, which is probably answer enough. Beatrix does not make it a habit of admitting her shortcomings. She has them. She knows she does, but she loves to act as if she's utterly untouchable.]
Perhaps a touch of both. The details hardly matter.
[She's not expected him to pry any deeper than he already has and there's wisdom in that. Who can tell what Beatrix is like when her defences are finally crawled beneath.
That said—]
I am not a woman who surrenders. Not in battle. Not to any woman or man, beast, or anything in between.
[She isn't sure she agrees. She doesn't even have to say it for that to be true. Eustace knows her well enough. He can probably picture exactly how she'd sound.]
Kindness I can accept. I do that well enough. That ought to be enough.
Then what is supposed to be enough? What is supposed to suffice? I thought this was supposed to be about alliances and cohorts, or whatever you may wish to call them.
[Friends. Although she supposes that it might not always be that simple.]
I'm not saying you have to open yourself up like a book. However, should you find someone you find yourself comfortable with, then you shouldn't resist or doubt so much.
Despite what you say or think, you make for amicable companionship.
You need to learn to trust them.
[Which he knows is difficult. Very, so very difficult for people like them. It took him quite a long time to get to where he is now, even after meeting Gran and working with his colleagues—his friends. But the first step is her facing the issue. After that... Well. There's only so much he can say since it's all up to her in the end.]
Unless their masochists, people wouldn't bother being with you if they didn't find something they liked or found enjoyable. The same is especially true with me.
Don't forget, we're similar and would prefer to be in our own space. The fact that we continue communicating should be proof enough that you are worth more than you wish to accept.
There's no need to think so negatively about yourself.
I appreciated the insight. It will take me time to adjust how I think. How I perceive. I will not be able to make any promises to you or anyone else who should think to show such interest in me.
In spite of that, I will listen to what others have to say with an open mind. Including Dohalim. That was the man you saw.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
flamekthunder) wrote2025-04-07 09:12 pm
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Given how often he came to your house, I suspect he must feel similarly.
I had questioned whether I should have approached him, but as it is it seems there was no need for concern.
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[Even just this discussion, this cryptic and vague exchange, Beatrix realises that her feelings regarding Dohalim are incredibly complicated. And she doesn't like that. It would be easier to say that she appreciates him for who he is and leave it at that. She'll say that as often as she has to, but she imagines anyone who knows her will understand it might not be that trivial or mere as she treats it.]
On the contrary, it might have been better to remind him to keep his presence to his space and not to mine. It would be improper for him for visit me in such a way. What is done is done, however. I would prefer to act as if it never happened at all. I am awake now. There is no reason for such things to have repetition.
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I won't say anything.
But I doubt it'll end with that.
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[She assumes that's what he's getting at. With the two of them, they sometimes go in such roundabout circles, that it can be difficult to determine what they're really getting at.]
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Just because you're awake doesn't mean he has to stop visiting. Of course if you do not even want any social meetings at all than that's a different matter.
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I have kept people at a distance for a reason. I am not interested in sharing myself in any capacity other than what is required of me.
[Tell him how you really feel, Beatrix.]
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You seem to be sharing quite a bit right now.
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It's because she's getting heated. She knows that. She feels like she has to defend herself. From what, exactly. Who is the threat here. Him? Herself?
It's all he needs to present to her for her to get the picture.]
That I am. I will be ending that now.
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For the record I don't mind. However I could tell you were getting emotional and thought it better to stop so you did not tell me more than you normally would.
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[Because that is completely convincing. Even she isn't buying it and that's saying something. If anything, she's annoyed. Because emotions and Beatrix don't belong in the same sentence, unless she's expressing some kind of disdain, dislike, frustration with something else.
This whole business about not knowing how she feels, or wanting very, very much to keep something from happening that should not, under any circumstances happen, it's disrupting her. And she's not realised just how deeply it has been until perhaps these moments. Or she has and she's simply ignored it all.]
No. We both know better. I will not disrespect you with a blatant falsehood.
I confess that the subject matter is complicated. I am not accustomed to others expressing concern for me. I am not accustomed to others wanting to be close to me. It makes me uncomfortable.
[She decides she can get away with saying that. It's honest. Telling, in many ways, but not in a way to Eustace that she feels as if she's in danger. That he might use it against her. If anything, maybe he's the only one who might understand why she feels that way. And maybe, he won't judge her for it either.]
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Uncomfortable or afraid?
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She sees those words and it's almost enough to send her into an entirely different area, which is probably answer enough. Beatrix does not make it a habit of admitting her shortcomings. She has them. She knows she does, but she loves to act as if she's utterly untouchable.]
Perhaps a touch of both. The details hardly matter.
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I won't ask for them. But word of advice: it'll be better in the long run if you just give up and accept it.
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That said—]
I am not a woman who surrenders. Not in battle. Not to any woman or man, beast, or anything in between.
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[Beatrix please.]
The more you refuse and wall yourself off, the worse off you'll be.
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Kindness I can accept. I do that well enough. That ought to be enough.
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It won't.
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[Friends. Although she supposes that it might not always be that simple.]
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Despite what you say or think, you make for amicable companionship.
You need to learn to trust them.
[Which he knows is difficult. Very, so very difficult for people like them. It took him quite a long time to get to where he is now, even after meeting Gran and working with his colleagues—his friends. But the first step is her facing the issue. After that... Well. There's only so much he can say since it's all up to her in the end.]
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I will keep all of that in consideration. I do not think much of my companionship. I do not think anyone else ought to either.
[But maybe admitting that is the first step. Maybe, that's what she's needed to hear all along. Leave it to Eustace to be the hero.]
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Don't forget, we're similar and would prefer to be in our own space. The fact that we continue communicating should be proof enough that you are worth more than you wish to accept.
There's no need to think so negatively about yourself.
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I only thought it was factual. I suppose I can only see myself the way I do. Not as you do. Not as anyone else does. However that may be.
I am not good at discussions like these. I assume you knew that already.
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However, it's because I know how you are that I'm saying it at all.
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In spite of that, I will listen to what others have to say with an open mind. Including Dohalim. That was the man you saw.
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Good luck.
And if you wish to have a background check, just ask and I'll look into it.
[Joking? Serious? Both??]
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