[Admittedly, she doesn't even know how she should feel about any of this. She knows he was worried. Maybe Eustace was a little too. Less worried and more simply wanted to make sure she was... comfortable? Who knows. She tries so hard not to think about stuff like this.]
I see. That is Lord Dohalim. Former lord, I suppose, if one were to ask him, though I hardly think that makes a difference. [Once a lord, always one in one way or another.] A suitable potential member of that council I should like to see instated for matters of order and town defence.
[Of course that's not the whole gist of it. She doesn't even know what to call him.]
We know one another beyond that. His use as council, however, remains valid.
I suppose it would not be surprising for him to be concerned, though I have given him no reason to do so. He is the lord, after all. In Alexandria, I protected my queen. It was not the other way around. It should not be any different here.
[Wait. What? Does she view him as someone of higher status or rank than her...?]
That would depend on if he cares about such ranks and order. To him you might not be a "knight serving royalty" and just a woman of exceptional skill whom he's befriended.
I know his thoughts on it. Dohalim prefers to separate himself from his lordship. To him, it is a thing of the past.
[And she understands why. She does. But he's taken responsibility for what befell his people. To her, he couldn't be any more admirable as a leader. Some would refuse to do any such thing.]
Your assessment of him is most likely accurate. He has made little secret of his feelings on how I approach our acquaintanceship.
[...What... what the heck kind of question is this? Beatrix, yet again, has no idea how to even address this. Isn't it kind of obvious already? She sees herself as the dispensable protector and one dark skin, redhead as the protectee.]
I suspect he finds it tiresome that I continue to treat him as a lord who I would rather protect than be protected by, despite his insistence that he would wish to provide the same to me in return.
He has a fondness for being soft of heart. Values 'friendship' and other concepts of the sort. Kindness. Charity. Empathy. Not a fool, as I have sometimes called him, but perhaps a practitioner of foolish ideas when it comes to my involvement.
[Because he makes her feel as if she's valued. Because even though she doesn't necessarily believe him, Beatrix would like to believe that she matters for more than her position.]
I can respect that he is a better person than I am. A capable adversary in combat. A good leader. I am able to objectively admire that, and perhaps envy that I am not that kind of individual.
[There is of course much that cannot be conveyed through text. But even so, he can at least sense that despite what she says, she sees this Dohalim more than just a simple "acquaintance" or "ally." Friend? Maybe, maybe not. But probably closer to it than she may admit.]
Given how often he came to your house, I suspect he must feel similarly.
I had questioned whether I should have approached him, but as it is it seems there was no need for concern.
He thinks many good things about me, despite my attempts to ward him from doing any such thing. Your suspicions are likely accurate.
[Even just this discussion, this cryptic and vague exchange, Beatrix realises that her feelings regarding Dohalim are incredibly complicated. And she doesn't like that. It would be easier to say that she appreciates him for who he is and leave it at that. She'll say that as often as she has to, but she imagines anyone who knows her will understand it might not be that trivial or mere as she treats it.]
On the contrary, it might have been better to remind him to keep his presence to his space and not to mine. It would be improper for him for visit me in such a way. What is done is done, however. I would prefer to act as if it never happened at all. I am awake now. There is no reason for such things to have repetition.
I hardly know what you mean by that. If he only showed when I was asleep, then he has no reason to continue doing so. If he should, I will simply request that he not.
[She assumes that's what he's getting at. With the two of them, they sometimes go in such roundabout circles, that it can be difficult to determine what they're really getting at.]
Just because you're awake doesn't mean he has to stop visiting. Of course if you do not even want any social meetings at all than that's a different matter.
I am not averse to meeting him in other places. My residence is mine. My space. My solitude. My sanctuary, if one wishes to call it that. It is a place to reveals much of me, purely through my sheer thought and how this world works. It is not unfounded that I feel a sense of discomfort in others coming to learn about me through my space, through my items.
I have kept people at a distance for a reason. I am not interested in sharing myself in any capacity other than what is required of me.
[He only lets out a small sigh upon reading her words.]
For the record I don't mind. However I could tell you were getting emotional and thought it better to stop so you did not tell me more than you normally would.
[Because that is completely convincing. Even she isn't buying it and that's saying something. If anything, she's annoyed. Because emotions and Beatrix don't belong in the same sentence, unless she's expressing some kind of disdain, dislike, frustration with something else.
This whole business about not knowing how she feels, or wanting very, very much to keep something from happening that should not, under any circumstances happen, it's disrupting her. And she's not realised just how deeply it has been until perhaps these moments. Or she has and she's simply ignored it all.]
No. We both know better. I will not disrespect you with a blatant falsehood.
I confess that the subject matter is complicated. I am not accustomed to others expressing concern for me. I am not accustomed to others wanting to be close to me. It makes me uncomfortable.
[She decides she can get away with saying that. It's honest. Telling, in many ways, but not in a way to Eustace that she feels as if she's in danger. That he might use it against her. If anything, maybe he's the only one who might understand why she feels that way. And maybe, he won't judge her for it either.]
She sees those words and it's almost enough to send her into an entirely different area, which is probably answer enough. Beatrix does not make it a habit of admitting her shortcomings. She has them. She knows she does, but she loves to act as if she's utterly untouchable.]
Perhaps a touch of both. The details hardly matter.
[She's not expected him to pry any deeper than he already has and there's wisdom in that. Who can tell what Beatrix is like when her defences are finally crawled beneath.
That said—]
I am not a woman who surrenders. Not in battle. Not to any woman or man, beast, or anything in between.
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flamekthunder) wrote2025-04-07 09:12 pm
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I see.
That is Lord Dohalim. Former lord, I suppose, if one were to ask him, though I hardly think that makes a difference. [Once a lord, always one in one way or another.] A suitable potential member of that council I should like to see instated for matters of order and town defence.
[Of course that's not the whole gist of it. She doesn't even know what to call him.]
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[ie, is this guy really just kind of work friend or—not that he's jumping to conclusions yet.]
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We know one another beyond that. His use as council, however, remains valid.
I suppose it would not be surprising for him to be concerned, though I have given him no reason to do so. He is the lord, after all. In Alexandria, I protected my queen. It was not the other way around. It should not be any different here.
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That would depend on if he cares about such ranks and order. To him you might not be a "knight serving royalty" and just a woman of exceptional skill whom he's befriended.
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[And she understands why. She does. But he's taken responsibility for what befell his people. To her, he couldn't be any more admirable as a leader. Some would refuse to do any such thing.]
Your assessment of him is most likely accurate. He has made little secret of his feelings on how I approach our acquaintanceship.
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.......And he's a little curious.
...
What the hell.]
And that would be?
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What are you really asking me here.
[Let's just cut to the chase.]
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[He had been tempted to call it out as friendship, but he knows Beatrix so he doesn't. He'll just not so subtly imply his thoughts instead.]
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He has a fondness for being soft of heart. Values 'friendship' and other concepts of the sort. Kindness. Charity. Empathy. Not a fool, as I have sometimes called him, but perhaps a practitioner of foolish ideas when it comes to my involvement.
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[LOOK SEE HE CAN UNDERSTAND.]
Yet you put up with it.
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[Because he makes her feel as if she's valued. Because even though she doesn't necessarily believe him, Beatrix would like to believe that she matters for more than her position.]
I can respect that he is a better person than I am. A capable adversary in combat. A good leader. I am able to objectively admire that, and perhaps envy that I am not that kind of individual.
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Given how often he came to your house, I suspect he must feel similarly.
I had questioned whether I should have approached him, but as it is it seems there was no need for concern.
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[Even just this discussion, this cryptic and vague exchange, Beatrix realises that her feelings regarding Dohalim are incredibly complicated. And she doesn't like that. It would be easier to say that she appreciates him for who he is and leave it at that. She'll say that as often as she has to, but she imagines anyone who knows her will understand it might not be that trivial or mere as she treats it.]
On the contrary, it might have been better to remind him to keep his presence to his space and not to mine. It would be improper for him for visit me in such a way. What is done is done, however. I would prefer to act as if it never happened at all. I am awake now. There is no reason for such things to have repetition.
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I won't say anything.
But I doubt it'll end with that.
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[She assumes that's what he's getting at. With the two of them, they sometimes go in such roundabout circles, that it can be difficult to determine what they're really getting at.]
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Just because you're awake doesn't mean he has to stop visiting. Of course if you do not even want any social meetings at all than that's a different matter.
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I have kept people at a distance for a reason. I am not interested in sharing myself in any capacity other than what is required of me.
[Tell him how you really feel, Beatrix.]
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You seem to be sharing quite a bit right now.
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It's because she's getting heated. She knows that. She feels like she has to defend herself. From what, exactly. Who is the threat here. Him? Herself?
It's all he needs to present to her for her to get the picture.]
That I am. I will be ending that now.
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For the record I don't mind. However I could tell you were getting emotional and thought it better to stop so you did not tell me more than you normally would.
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[Because that is completely convincing. Even she isn't buying it and that's saying something. If anything, she's annoyed. Because emotions and Beatrix don't belong in the same sentence, unless she's expressing some kind of disdain, dislike, frustration with something else.
This whole business about not knowing how she feels, or wanting very, very much to keep something from happening that should not, under any circumstances happen, it's disrupting her. And she's not realised just how deeply it has been until perhaps these moments. Or she has and she's simply ignored it all.]
No. We both know better. I will not disrespect you with a blatant falsehood.
I confess that the subject matter is complicated. I am not accustomed to others expressing concern for me. I am not accustomed to others wanting to be close to me. It makes me uncomfortable.
[She decides she can get away with saying that. It's honest. Telling, in many ways, but not in a way to Eustace that she feels as if she's in danger. That he might use it against her. If anything, maybe he's the only one who might understand why she feels that way. And maybe, he won't judge her for it either.]
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Uncomfortable or afraid?
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She sees those words and it's almost enough to send her into an entirely different area, which is probably answer enough. Beatrix does not make it a habit of admitting her shortcomings. She has them. She knows she does, but she loves to act as if she's utterly untouchable.]
Perhaps a touch of both. The details hardly matter.
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I won't ask for them. But word of advice: it'll be better in the long run if you just give up and accept it.
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That said—]
I am not a woman who surrenders. Not in battle. Not to any woman or man, beast, or anything in between.
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